“The first thing to realize is that everybody perceives things differently,” mentioned Glennon Gordon, a {couples} therapist with places of work in Tenleytown and Bethesda, Md. “I mean that literally. The way that I perceive something and the way you perceive something are as different as our fingerprints. So is the way we see our physical space.”
These variations prolong past espresso desk preferences. For some folks, exterior area is correlated with their inner, or emotional, area; the house must be orderly for them to really feel that method inside, Gordon mentioned. For others, the 2 issues are separate. A stack of dishes is simply that; it doesn’t indicate a chaotic state of being.
The secret’s to by no means assume your partner can be identical to you. “When you expect the other person to be completely different, as they most likely are, it makes compromise so much easier,” she mentioned.
It’s additionally sensible to think about all attainable outcomes earlier than signing a lease. “Think about the worst-case scenario,” mentioned Cheryl New, a household lawyer at New & Lowinger in Bethesda, Md. “How does that play out?”
Moving in collectively is a critical dedication that may be a ache to undo. New’s recommendation is to be practical and maintain your receipts. “Nobody thinks they’re the types to bicker over pots and pans in a breakup,” she mentioned. “In the end, of course, almost everyone does.”
Relationships are an artwork, not a science, and a few folks merely stay higher collectively than others. But there are steps you’ll be able to take to keep away from some frequent pitfalls. We spoke to specialists for tips about find out how to mix your possessions, be a good roommate, mix styles and handle expectations whereas defending your self towards a messy uncoupling, ought to the connection go south.
Don’t rush it. As tempting as it could be to share a lease in right now’s dear rental market, the choice must be thought out. “Moving in together is about more than just getting on the same page,” Gordon mentioned. In her expertise, it’s usually about navigating battle. “Couples need to be able to handle the inevitable tensions that come up when you have to share everything: your space, your stuff, your time, your self. A lot of people assume that if they’re happy enough to move in together, they must be relatively similar people. But this is a whole new level of intimacy. It only works if people feel like they can be fully themselves.”
Discuss expectations. Before you begin house- or apartment-hunting, have a dialog about the way you each desire to stay. “Get specific,” mentioned Natalie Ron, who based the home-organizing firm Swoon Spaces, which provides providers in New York and Los Angeles. “What does a peaceful home look and feel like to your partner? How much of that are each of you responsible for?” These conversations ought to embody one another’s upbringings. “Ask your partner about their parents’ relationship with money and how their childhood household was run,” Gordon mentioned. “Did Mom do all the cooking and cleaning and Dad handled the expenses? If so, find out how much that factors into your partner’s current expectations. Know what you’re signing up for.”
Make a finances and observe receipts. Keep a log of which individual’s objects are coming into the brand new residence and who’s shopping for new items. Budgeting will be difficult when you’ve got completely different monetary conditions or differing concepts about find out how to spend cash. “Some people are naturally more spontaneous, while others have to budget for everything,” Gordon mentioned. Getting both occasion to alter these habits most likely gained’t occur, so focus as an alternative on the way you handle the variation: “If you expect and respect differences, you’re much more likely to get along.”
Declutter earlier than you progress. Ron recommends that every one of her purchasers who’re on the verge of mixing households get their very own home in order first. “Think of it as a final, reflective moment for your single, independent self,” she mentioned. “Go through your old clothing, letters from exes and trinkets that you’ve held on to over the years. Do they really need to come into your new home with you?” If some do, purchase a couple of low-profile storage containers that may be stowed in the again of a closet. “Nobody expects you to toss your sentimental collectibles, but they will appreciate a sense of consciousness and order,” she mentioned.
Understand one another’s triggers. Cleanliness is the commonest supply of friction for Gordon’s purchasers. “One person can walk by a piece of trash and not even see it,” she mentioned. “Another person couldn’t possibly walk by it without getting anxious.” Be curious, not essential, about how your partner sees their area. Similarly, in case your partner has a tougher time parting with issues, resist the urge to educate them by way of it. “It’s tempting to pressure someone to ‘just throw it out,’ but that almost always backfires,” Ron mentioned. “Instead, find out what’s behind their attachment, whether it’s sentimental reasons or financial habits, and try to help them prioritize, so they don’t feel pushed or dismissed.”
Mix and match styles. “Even if one person is more design-inclined, it’s critical that both people feel like they have a say in their space,” Gordon mentioned. “This is about more than ego; it’s also about mental health. It’s never good for someone to feel like a stranger in their own home — not good for the individual, and really not good for the relationship.” If you’ll be able to, resist the urge to solid one partner apart; the cliched resolution of granting the husband a single room to make his personal, normally a “man cave” or the storage, feels superficial and dated. Instead, spend time looking Pinterest boards and design blogs collectively to search out items and aesthetics you’re each drawn to. “I promise: There will be common ground,” Ron mentioned.
Give yourselves a grace interval. Even essentially the most ready and arranged couple will encounter surprises as soon as they’re underneath the identical roof. Gordon mentioned many individuals battle with how their partner spends their free time. “One person might cook or clean or grab the window [of time] to work out, while the other person takes a nap or stares at their phone for an hour,” Gordon mentioned. “These variations can be shocking at first, and they take some getting used to.” Try to not let these variations balloon into judgmental statements in regards to the different’s character or lobbying campaigns to get them to alter their methods. Instead, respect aware selections about the way you wish to stay, and take turns seeing issues from the opposite’s perspective. “Is it really that your partner is lazy? Or is it that they’re better at relaxing than you?” Gordon mentioned.
Megan Buerger is a freelance author in New York.