DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN WRITTEN FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY; ANY ATHLETIC WISDOM OR INSIGHT OR KNOWLEDGEABILITY THEREIN, NOT DIRECTLY QUOTED BY MY COLLEAGUES, IS NOT ONLY PURELY ACCIDENTAL BUT UNFORTUNATE.
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and talk trash. And I’m all out of bubblegum.”
–“Rowdy” Roddy Piper (barely amended)
Dear Pokes (or Cowboys, or Cowpokes, no matter),
I need to admit, I’m going to have the damnedest time protecting this PG-rated. I’m capturing for PG-13. Between your mascot, who seems to be like he may need been an authenticity guide for Boogie Nights, named Pistol Pete (in fact), and your fairly playful appellation as “Pokes,”–to say nothing of the, shall we embrace, unorthodox, paddle cheers which appear suggestive of the deepest depths of depravity and perversion–the soiled puns, double entendres, innuendos and sexually-charged signifiers are of such absolute fecundity my pen can hardly jot alongside the dotted line quick sufficient, and for this I’m grateful. You have carried out a great deal of my work for me.
Having stated that, we at TCU such as you, evidently. Relatively talking. That is to say, the BFG and Tori Couch consider that you’ve got probably the most stunning campuses within the United States. And you are not UT and you are not Baylor. There’s that.
Nor are you abandoning the Big 12 for the SEC. Or making an attempt to crowd-bomb us at residence. There can also be that.
This makes us, I suppose, comparatively pleasant rivals.
So I shall give respect the place, alas, respect is due. You are additionally undefeated. You evidently delivered us fairly the shellacking final yr in Stillwater (one, I guarantee you, our boys haven’t forgotten). You are at the moment thought of the most effective workforce within the Big 12. Though the precise purpose why stays obscure. You see, we have now up to now dominated each workforce to rise in opposition to us. Colorado? 38-13 (And we did that on a second-hand excessive.) Tarleton? 59-17. SMU? 42-34. Oklahoma? 55-24. As for BYE, they did not even dare to take the sphere. Sniveling little cowards.
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Let’s distinction these scores with your individual. I’m Googling them now. Central Michigan? 58-44. Arizona State? 34-17. AR-Pine Bluff (is that this a navy college?)? 63-7. Baylor . . .
Fair sufficient.
You’re good, I admit.
But you ain’t us. And on Saturday, you ain’t gonna be at residence. There shall be no firing of a phallic cannon each time you rating. Nor will you muster a crowd adequate to overwhelm our guys on the sphere whilst you have interaction in no matter insane orgiastic antics you euphemistically name a “cheer.”
No. On Saturday you’ll not be residence. You shall be at The Carter. And it will likely be our boys on the sphere, not the Red Raiders, and certain as hell not these Bores from Waco. I hope you are prepared. We shall be.
Best,
SI
P.S., Regarding the title of your mascot, Pistol Pete. Relative to the truth that is the title of a sure school athlete, nevertheless far again within the day, it might seem you might have dedicated a flagrant act of plagiarism. In lieu of his property, I shall be more than pleased to gather all royalties and different pecuniary allowances owed. You might ship a test within the quantity of $10,000,000, payable to Sports Ignoramus, to Ye Olde Bull and Bush on Montgomery (76107).
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story by The Texas Tribune Source link