Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend keeps saying absent dads can be good dads

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His personal dad moved away when he was a younger child and he worships him, which is why I believe he feels so strongly. Honestly I believe a kind of conditions by which the dad bought to be the enjoyable, mysterious guardian whose consideration was welcome each time it confirmed up.

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To make clear, Ben plans to get married earlier than having youngsters and doesn’t actively intend to reside aside from his future youngsters. Still, it’s a bizarre sufficient factor — and has come up usually sufficient — that it bothers me. I’m fairly positive it’s not less than a double commonplace, and that he thinks absent mothers are a foul factor. Is it value difficult him on this?

Alarmed: Of course, yikes. Challenge all double requirements.

But for the parenthood half, strive “continue to talk about” vs. “challenge on.” It needn’t be so absolute. A considerably absent guardian can be a good guardian, however a good guardian who’s current is healthier for the child, no? Except when youngsters want area to develop a bit, like with sleepaway camps or faculties?

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Plus, when the guardian who’s current will not be a good one, then “presence” does not sound like a lot of an asset.

On high of that, Ben appears to have a stockpile of unresolved stuff about Dad. Plus there’s the entire uneasy chance of pre-excusing an escape if it is all an excessive amount of for him.

Anyway, there’s a whole lot of nuance right here to discover, so go for it. “I’ve noticed you bring this up a lot.”

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Ask in regards to the mother vs. dad half first, so if it comes out that he thinks a mom is worse for an absence than a father would be, you can skip the remainder of the nuance exploration and take a move on Ben. Because, wow.

I’d additionally hold a watch out for inflexible considering or a refusal to have interaction on any prospects aside from those he holds expensive. On just a few key ideas that is cheap — homicide is unhealthy, for instance — however in any other case it hints at an unwillingness to hear.

· Ben’s not poised to set a really excessive bar for himself. You presumably desire a associate who’s all in to start with, wanting to offer your youngsters the best possible in life. This would require time, cash, dedication, power — not somebody stumbling on the beginning line, theorizing about how little is suitable to get away with.

· I do know some mother and father find yourself residing removed from their youngsters due to the exigencies of life, not as a result of it’s what they actually wished. Life occurs. But if “Ben” is already speaking about this, ceaselessly, throughout the early phases of the connection, I’d assume that within the occasion of a divorce there’s a good probability he’ll transfer far-off from the children. Decide accordingly.

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