Four Items for Kyrie Irving’s Texas Bucket List

On Sunday, the NBA world absorbed the bombshell reports of a commerce that may ship All-Star guard Kyrie Irving to the Dallas Mavericks. Irving, who had been with the Brooklyn Nets since 2019, is likely one of the league’s high skills—and in addition one among its most, uh, mercurial personalities. He’s liable to embracing conspiracy theories, he appears to imagine that no matter he sees on YouTube or Instagram is the gospel fact, and he has some, er, curious concepts about the whole lot from COVID-19 vaccines to the form of the Earth to—properly, as to whether a Hitler-referencing film referred to as Hebrews to Negroes: Wake Up Black America is an correct historical past of the Jewish individuals. 

In different phrases, he’ll most likely be happier in Texas than in New York. 

Following a suspension from the Nets earlier this season, Irving has walked again a few of the extra offensive concepts he’s put out into the world. And the Mavs, in discussing their resolution to accumulate the celebrity, have argued that the group’s “culture and environment” will help Irving in thriving on and off the courtroom. (If you say it in the precise tone of voice, it doesn’t even sound that ominous!) Regardless of whether or not the Mavs, only some years faraway from allegations that the group mishandled sexual assault allegations within the office, are the best franchise to assist Irving rehabilitate his picture, the high-scoring guard is shifting to Dallas this week. Here are some ideas for how he may select to spend his time in Texas. 

Visiting Dealey Plaza to find who actually shot Kennedy

One of the extra quaint conspiracy theories Irving has embraced includes the Kennedy assassination. JFK theories are a fairly comfortable on-ramp to conspiracyland, since, uh, thousands and thousands of Americans agree that the official story behind the president’s 1963 homicide is fairly bizarre. Accordingly, Irving’s stance on JFK isn’t significantly out-there—he told an NBA podcast in 2017 that he believed Kennedy was killed due to opposition to the Federal Reserve. That’s . . . most likely not what occurred, however so far as conspiracy theories go, this one is comparatively light.  

One factor we do know is that if Irving needs to resolve issues, then Dallas is the place to be. Will he spend his afternoons in Dealey Plaza, tracing the angles from the Texas School Book Depository to the grassy knoll, proving past a shadow of a doubt that Lee Harvey Oswald couldn’t have fired the deadly spherical? Will he be part of a cult awaiting the lifeless president’s son’s miraculous return? Why not? We anticipate Irving to make plenty of new mates in Dallas. 

Looking for the sting of the flat Earth in Big Bend

In Texas, Irving might be properly located to pursue one other of his most enjoyable avocations: proving the Earth is definitely flat! How might this presumably be true? Let’s not get into that. Here’s what Irving needed to say on that very same 2017 podcast: “This is not even a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat. . . . It’s right in front of our faces. I’m telling you, it’s right in front of our faces. They lie to us.” 

The logical query to the declare that the Earth is flat, after all, is, Where does it really, like, finish? To which we’ll present Irving with a tantalizing clue—think about taking a while to discover Big Bend National Park, nestled between Terlingua and the Mexican state of Chihuahua. Now, you might be asking: How is it potential that the sting of the flat Earth could be bounded by a famed base camp and a state with almost 4 million residents? To which we reply: Wake up, sheeple! If the Earth is flat, it has to finish someplace, and the stunning landscapes of Big Bend absolutely seem like they’ve acquired one thing to cover. All we’re lacking is an explorer intrepid sufficient to seek out the reality. The NBA low season is brief, but when Irving applies himself, we’re positive he can do some digging (however not precise digging, as a result of disturbing the park’s pure options is illegal). 

Guest internet hosting The Alex Jones Show

Milling about Dealey Plaza speaking to Kennedy cult members is nominally a social exercise, whereas looking for Earth’s edge in Big Bend is usually a solo one. That’s all properly and good, however Kyrie Irving didn’t spend all of that point watching Instagram reels filled with nonsense to maintain what he’s discovered to himself. Where does an attention-hungry, extremely well-known conspiracy theorist wanting for a platform in Texas go? 

The reply needs to be apparent: he drives three hours south on Interstate 35, exits on Oltorf, makes a left on South Lamar, and drives to the InfoWars studio. There are few issues that Alex Jones loves greater than internet hosting well-known guests, so we’ve little question Irving could be welcomed with the widest-open arms, whereas Mavs followers would white-knuckle their manner by means of the looks, hoping Irving doesn’t say something to warrant a recent suspension from the league. It’ll be an actual high-wire act!

Opening his coronary heart by placing up a friendship with Kinky Friedman 

Many of Irving’s conspiracy theories have been comparatively innocuous. It doesn’t matter why he thinks Kennedy was killed or what form he thinks our planet Earth is. But Irving’s endorsement of antisemitic conspiracy theories is extra troubling: anybody with a platform the scale of Irving’s who spreads these concepts places Jewish individuals at risk, and the specter of antisemitic violence is actual, as of us in North Texas discovered last year. 

But Irving’s transfer to Texas might present a possibility for progress, if he had been to befriend one of many state’s true originals: self-proclaimed “Texas Jewboy” Kinky Friedman. Friedman’s personal identification as a straight-talking, cigar-smoking Jewish cowboy might assist Irving perceive that the stereotypes he’s absorbed on YouTube are simply that, and the 2 would undoubtedly have some enjoyable conversations about Jack Ruby. Is it Kinky Friedman’s job to assist Irving overcome the prejudices he appears to have acquired? Not actually, however Friedman’s all the time been an open-minded man, and we suspect he’d benefit from the probability to supply some steering to knowledgeable athlete almost fifty years his junior. 

In any case, Irving is coming to Texas no matter what we’ve to say about it. Here’s hoping that he finds a moderating affect—whether or not it comes within the type of an irascible Jewish cowboy or an evening spent gazing into the night time sky at Big Bend.