Sunday, November 27, 2022

Carolyn Hax: When college freshman marries, end financial support?

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Anonymous: Define “should.”

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Is it about end result, precept, deterrence?

Deterrence is self-explanatory. You don’t like her life alternative, so that you connect a big materials consequence to it. I’m no fan of the tactic — punitive little one rearing all the time appeared off to me, so punitive grownup rearing mystifies — however you may’t fault its simplicity.

Principle is one each mother and father can cite to again your positions. His: You promised her an schooling and there was no “don’t get married” clause. Yours: Adults making grownup choices are grownup sufficient to help themselves.

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These each have advantage on their faces, and a few satisfying simplicity of their very own — however additionally they contradict some apparent unstated issues beneath the floor. First, it’s sort of understood that in case you’re functioning as a dependent for instructional functions, then the “don’t marry your boyfriend” half doesn’t should be spoken. (Does it?) On the opposite facet, your daughter has been an grownup since age 18 and but that hasn’t precluded your paying her tuition, room and board as if she’s a completely dependent little one — so in case you’re already working from a grey and fuzzy definition of maturity, then you definately don’t get to declare {that a} black-and-white one is in power on simply this subject alone since you need it to be. Not with out hypocrisy. Why is it okay to finance a grown lady’s schooling in full provided that she’s an single grown lady?

Finally, end result: the pragmatist’s refuge. If the purpose of paying for her schooling was to equip her in early maturity to dwell independently thereafter, on (that is usually the unstated half) a middle-class rung of the ladder or higher, then there isn’t any motive you may’t proceed to make your choices with that purpose in thoughts — in mild of the threatened marriage or of another rearrangement of her private life. The baseline info can change however the age-related purpose can stay intact: Equip her in early maturity to launch stably ever after.

If you and your husband — and daughter — can agree on that purpose, then that’ll make clear which choices make sense to attain it.

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Dear Carolyn: Do I’ve an obligation to attend a dinner, for example, with a bitter step-mother-in-law my husband tolerates solely so he can see his dad? I discover the facade insupportable — placing up together with her management and her demeaning perspective to entry my husband’s dad. I see my husband’s over-the-top consideration to her as groveling, which he says is to guard me from having to cope with her on the desk. This is poisonous. Do I’m going numb?

Demeaned: Your obligation is to the wedding — not on his phrases, however on mutual ones. If your husband received’t compromise towards your sanity, then he’s shorting his responsibility.

Sometimes the bluntest instrument is finest: an agreed-upon restrict. You attend … half of those torture classes? 1 / 4? You supply some presence to guard him, he affords some absence to guard you. Thoughtfully ever after.

And if the “groveling” dims your emotions for him, then you definately owe the wedding the reality about that, too.

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