Sunday, November 27, 2022

Carolyn Hax: An awful ex-boyfriend is back, with ugly secrets in tow

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Now that they are again collectively I’m questioning whether or not to say one thing to her about it. Obviously folks can change, however I simply really feel in my coronary heart she will do higher.

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As a plot twist, she additionally simply came upon she’s pregnant with this new man’s child, and she or he’s now in super turmoil about what to do.

It appears merciless to unload another factor onto her already full plate, particularly if she decides to maintain the newborn and pursue a relationship. I’m feeling misplaced at how finest to help my good friend and would love an outsider’s perspective on a super-complicated state of affairs.

Best Friend: Super-complicated for her — for you, I’m not so positive.

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Your solely choice is whether or not to inform. And should you don’t need to, then you could have cowl: The information you possess, and that she doesn’t, is arguably now not helpful. She is aware of he was untrue to her in their first go-round; isn’t that sufficient about his previous for her to work from?

You even have justification to inform: Cheating on a companion and hitting on her finest good friend are comparable awfulnesses, however they’re not the identical.

There’s additionally the matter of the way you behave round them. If you possibly can’t calm down and it’s hurting your friendship with her, then a finest good friend deserves to know at the very least the final outlines of why.

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If you decide on transparency, then don’t dance round. Just inform her. “I would have told you then, but you broke up and I thought it was moot. I also know he may have changed since then. I’m telling you now only so you understand my awkwardness. I will back you regardless, whatever you choose.”

Meanwhile, she must assess his present-day character whereas in the turmoil of a divorce, a being pregnant and (little doubt) a riptide of second-guessing. You can assist her assume simply by listening to her rigorously and, as alternatives come up and if she’s receptive, asking her some emotional essay questions:

“Looking back on your biggest regrets, would you say they’re from being rash, or too cautious? Pessimism, or wishful thinking? Give examples.”

“Is there something you’re afraid to say out loud, or even admit to yourself?”

“If you could make any outcome happen, which would you choose?” Then, “Okay, how much of that is yours to decide? What’s standing in the way?”

“Are there any wrong decisions here, or are they just different?”

By all means, substitute these prompts with your individual; the purpose is to supply her, by means of all of the swirling feelings, a spot to plant her toes.

And to know she nonetheless won’t use it. (Or admire it.)

This has no bearing on the way you help your good friend by means of her instant disaster, however one thing else to maintain in thoughts: Years in the past you stored information from her about her then-flame. I’m not saying that was mistaken; I don’t know all of the details and belief you had your causes. However, it’s price mentally returning to that alternative now, lengthy sufficient to replace the way you’d deal with it if one thing comparable have been to occur once more. The easiest solution to be a superb good friend is nonetheless simply caring sufficient to attempt to get it proper.



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